[Happiness is a choice] I heard someone saying at a yoga class once…

Guilt started running through my veins, guilt and shame, because life is “so beautiful” that I should not feel the way I did.

But I did…

That sentence was planted in my brain like a seed, and everytime I felt sad I would go back to that, and I would tell myself to suck it up and to keep on going because life is beautiful, life isn’t too bad, life is a gift, happiness is a f.. choice.

So then why am I hurting so much? Why do I feel so much sadness and pain?

It was then when I went to see a psychologist that told me I was dealing with PSTD on top of a lot of sadness. He did not believe I was depressed just very stress due to my lack of acceptance.

I told him with a sassy tone, well, we all know happiness is a choice and I am choosing to be happy and to ignore my suffering and sadness because life is beautiful.

He laughed … I am still angry at the fact that he laugh at my “mantra”, my “way of living”, he was mocking me and questioning my beliefs, beliefs I had for a long time.  

He said to me; so If someone that you love suddenly dies, you should be happy? My breath was for a second, but it felt like an hour, I was shocked and overwhelmed, his words were bouncing in my head, so loud so clear.

I knew that the answer to that was no, of course I will be sad.

That day a lot of things in me changed.

I grew a deeper understanding of life, suffering, pain, gried, sadness, life, love, happiness.

He put things into perspective, a different one, and the stubborn me, had to reflect on those words. He asked me later, how long do you spend being sad? I said; between five minutes to 36 hours, depending on my schedule, life, commitments, weather, etc.

He was shocked! He replied, what are you doing with your life? How can you have so much time to be sad? How long do you spend being happy? …

At that time in my life I had forgotten what happiness felt like or looked like, so I said I don’t know what that is.

We spent about an hour trying to find things that at least once provided me joy, even temporary.

I spent so much time in sadness that I had forgotten that I also knew how to find happiness.

I learnt balance, life is made out of tiny moments in your day called happiness; sipping your coffee, hugging a friend, noticing the bird flying, a silly joke, etc.

We think that happiness is a permanent state but it isn’t!!! Nothing is permanent!

I see a lot of propaganda saying, find your happiness, and never look back.. Pfffff!!!!!

All of that is crap!!!!!!! That isn’t real!

I wish I could tell you that you will be always happy, and that life will be perfect and great. BUT IT WILL NOT!!!!

You will experience sadness, and grief, and a breakup and many more things! And I am so grateful that you will be able to feel all of those emotions because those emotions are as important as happiness and light and love.

I heard someone once saying that when we are hurting, our heart breaks so the light can get in! No darkness, NO STARS!

No rain, NO RAINBOW!

See what I mean?

However I don’t think that our issue is with that, I think our issue is with the shame, and guilt that comes from feeling sad, like the shame and sadness I felt when the yoga teacher said; happiness is a choice.

Our shame is that we pretend in this online world to be so f. perfect and happy that recognizing that we aren’t isn't even an option! THE SHOW MUST GO ON, right?

But what if the show takes a break? What if the show goes on hold for a moment ? or even better, what if you let those that love you in? What if you actually tell your best friend, actually I feel like crap today.

Ah! Well, Wait! Actually my friends aren’t able to deal with my suffering.

My friend is dealing with so much already, my friend may actually laugh at me, my parents will tell me off because they live for me! All they do is for me, I cannot be this ungrateful.

If you feel that you cannot talk to anyone, then please call 1737.

Professionals ready to help you, with experience, it is free, it is private, confidential and it may save your life!

You may not have a “valid” reason to feel the way to feel, hopeless, tired, but I promise you! There is a way! There is always a way! It isn’t easy! I wish I could tell you that it is, but it isn’t! It is hard! But if you let someone hold your hand along the way, you will see that you don’t need to walk alone.

You can also contact
0800 543 354

Lifeline New Zealand

If you think that yoga can be a way to help you but you don’t know how to start, or you cannot afford it please contact me on kotte@yogabykotte.com I will do my best to help you.  

Kotte Aguilar