Shame, is the word written on my forehead.
I was 12 . I had my dolls in their bath because I was still a child...
It hurts until today when I think of that, the fact that I was still a child until that day when everything in me got changed, got disturbed by someone else. Someone that felt had the power to take my power off me because I couldn't defend myself.
I spent 10 years of hell, hating every single part of my body, feeling guilt and shame, feeling dirty every time I would see my reflection on a window or mirror.
So no, I wasn't always happy and outgoing, I was dark, I had poison in my heart.
Guilt because of the size of my ass, the size of my boobs, I lost my power so much that I felt that everything was my fault for 10 years.
It took over two years of suffering for me to speak up. After I spoke up I lost it all... All my fears came true, I was alone.
The consequences of speaking up still hunt me.
The guilt lived in my bones for years of covering my body, and not wanting to be seen or look sexy, or pretty, or seductive because I was dirty.
Growing up has taught me that no, it wasn't my fault, it is the fault of those that were around me, the society I was brought up in.
Today over 10 years since my life changed, I have learnt to own my body, to empower my beauty and to own every single part of me, and I have made a promise to myself of never ever left anyone ever made me feel as weak as I felt, I promise myself to ALWAYS SPEAK UP THE TRUTH! ANY TRUTH!
Of not letting any male or female feel power over me.
Or to make me feel less or more for showing too much or not enough.
If you are silence you are part of it, if you are silence then you are guilty, no matter what truth is ! Sexual, violence, injustice, racism! If you don't speak you are as bad as the abuser, you are part of it!
Yes, its fucking hard, yes, its easier saying than doing it, yeah I know, but the misery of silence is worse than the freedom of being free, maybe fully broken, maybe weak, maybe alone... but FREE!
I have been told many lies in my life, like I got the job, not because I am smart enough or capable but because I was probably sleeping with the boss, lies like, I got the opportunity because I was shaking my ass when I was walking pass. That I slept my way up, are you going to wear that? Are you going to go out like that? Shouldn't you cover yourself a little more?
I am fully grateful I didn't believe or listen to them, that I got to know myself better to know who I am. No! I will wear or not wear what I want to!
I will show as much or as little as I want to and I will not let anyone define me base on my outfit or my look ever again. Because when I was 12, I was showing nothing and my childhood was still taken off me, so no! it is not because of what I wear, it is because our mentality and our ways of doing things that the 12 year old me experience all of that suffering.
And I really hope that things change for our future generations, I hope we stop sexualising children, that we stop being ok with it.
So today shame, can fuck off! Because enough of silence.
You are not alone.